A girl from the coast

It's been your birthday today. The 2nd one today without you. It feels weird still. I feel sad but I got through the day by doing things I enjoy. I am going to an open day on Friday. Peer support worker. I feel like I am finding my vocation. I am finding out who "Dawn" is. I do wonder if I really am happy or if I'm just pretending to be? I'm doing the whole "when i..." Thing that I usually do.  Am I doing that because I want to make changes (job/house) or am I doing it because I'm unhappy and I feel this will make me happy? I honestly don't know.  I guess that's the problem.  I have nobody who really knows me around anymore and I am just wondering what to do. Anyway, I love you mam. Dawn xxxx

It would have been my mum's birthday on Sunday and I feel sad. I know that I am not doing badly but I miss her. I think it's normal that I miss her. I would have been really cold if I didn't miss her. I wish that she were here.  I wish that she could see the things that I am doing in my life. I hope she is proud of what I am doing. I feel that I want to do something lovely but I don't know what.

I had the day alone again. It was good but I think I want to shake things up next year.

I'm spending Christmas day alone again. I'm using it as my resting period as I've been busy recently.  I have a plan for 2023, I just need it to work out.

And in that year, I am at a stage where I am applying for a job that I have been encouraged to apply for. I know my mum would be proud of me.  And I am living my life for her. I told her I was going to make her proud. 

I was in "surviving a crisis" course today and You'll never walk alone was mentioned (the lyrics were on the board) and I just felt emotional. I miss you. I want to talk to you and hold your hand and give you a hug. I really could do with a hug. I feel lost again. I feel like if I don't get this job then I don't know where I am going to go from there. I don't feel needed and I want to feel needed. I'm not needed as a volunteer, not really. I feel that I can't talk when there's a lot of loud people in the room and I feel lonely.  You needed me and I just feel like I am not needed. You were my purpose and I'm not sure what that is anymore. I told you that I was feeling blah now. I know that you are with me but it's not the same as you physically being here. I just want to feel connected to someone. I know I will be okay. I just miss you and wanted to talk to you.