Tonight I feel....

I still feel sad. I watched "Strictly" and I thought of my mum, as she loved that. And then the sadness got a bit worse.

I felt...alone. Like I am not going to spend Christmas or New year with her. I am probably going to spend them alone, and I don't wanna do that.

I feel sad because I won't buy her another Christmas/ birthday/mother's Day present again.

I don't have a mum anymore and it's so hard to get my head around that.

I started getting her flat emptied today and as I was telling people who didn't know about my mum, it felt surreal. Like, they were crying and shocked and I just felt...weird.

It's like "is she really gone or has there been some crazy mistake?" (Like I did with my grandma) but I saw for myself that there isn't.

I even check my phone to make sure the hospital hasn't called. I know they won't, but my head feels like it's broken and it's mixing everything up.

I think the fact I'm so tired isn't helping. I'm sleeping fine, so far, but I just can't shake the tiredness. Probably just grief and I just have to work through it.

At least the clocks go forward, so an extra hour in bed. That will be good.

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